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How to Buy Your First Porno Mag

Never buy your first porno mag at the corner store equivalent of Cheers (i.e. one where everyone knows your name). It's one of those male rites of passage, an awkward entity by definition. Don't make it worse by going somewhere where they know you. It's hard enough as it is. Pre-purchase, run down the checklist.

First, the store needs to be scoped people-wise. Is there anyone you know? Anyone who could possibly know your parents? Or your brother?

Once the people thing is sorted out, you need to find a way to scope out the mags on the dl. This is of course, after you've selected the proper cover mag. The cover mag is the one you place on top of the dirty one, to make it look like this is a legimate purchase. There are several choices here. You could go with a normal guy purchase of sports (ESPN, SLAM, SI) or a safe one (MAD, Rolling Stone, The Source) or maybe one something of a MAXIM ilk, as a subtle clue to the clerk that the mags aren't to be held up high for all to see and examined for price, while the temperature jumps and the redness starts creeping up and forward from your back to your face. Once, you do manage to find a suitable cover mag, begin the search.

The question is what to get? There's so many choices. One tip: Stay away from the multi-packs. Though they are cheap, and conveniently pre-bagged, they contain the gross mags the guy has been unable to sell for a really, really long time. You don't want to end up with Plumpers, Mature Women, and She-Male Monthly- Billy Madison be damned. Since this is the first one, you want to go with something tasteful that isn't fetish oriented (i.e. foot, butt, etc.) The solid choices are probably Playboy and Hustler. You know you can expect both high quality pics and women.

So once you choose, you carefully slide the mag out of the rack (and make sure to note the price!!) with the hand not holding the cover mag. This allows you to mask the selection somewhat, mainly in the false belief that someone would think you're actually taking the mag on the rack under the porno. But now with cover mag held firmly in place over the intended purchase, approach the counter.

Now as you place the two or more (hey man, I don't know how horny you are) mags on the counter(top facing you), gently pull the cover mag towards you and a little left- more left than towards, so only the price is showing. As the clerk bends down to inspect, clearly state the prices so only a cursory verification glance is necessary. Let them bag it, and you're on your way. Enjoy- but not too much.