DTH Columns

Nov. 10 , 2004 — Nothing faaan-tastic at Bobcats' opener
(Deluxe Expanded Edition)

I was bumming around my room Thursday afternoon when my boy Phil presented me with an intriguing last-minute activity — attending the inaugural game of the NBA's Charlotte Bobcats.

I had several other plans — apologies to Lexie and beatboxer Yuri Lane — but immediately knew I would cancel them and go to the game.

It's the kind of irrational thing you do when you're one of Bill Simmons' 19 fellow fans of the NBA.

First, we had to smooth out one small miscommunication over who actually got the extra ticket, but the promise of a t-shirt purchase at the game did the trick. Three hours of driving later, I arrived at the Charlotte Coliseum with Mark, Phill, Colin, Zach and Stevie.

Just so you know, don't bother bringing a bookbag to the Coliseum. It's not worth it. Just slip any weapons of mass destruction you have into your girlfriend's purse — they'll walk through security with nary a glance.

Once we finally got into the building, I heard Anthony Hamilton singing the national anthem. I took this as sign that I made the right decision, because Hamilton filmed the video for his song "Charlene" at my house in Brooklyn last summer. Small world.

Listening to the opposing Washington Wizards' lineup, I was greatly disappointed when it was announced that Michael Jordan's favorite whipping boy, Kwame Brown, and UNC alum Brendan Haywood would be sitting out with injuries. Tonight's Wizards would feature the same core — Antawn Jamison, Gilbert Arenas and Larry Hughes — that led the Golden State Warriors to 21 wins in 2001-02.

This is the kind of thing that makes Colin, a lifelong Wizards fan, describe them as a perennial expansion team.

About 7:15, the lights went down and lasered logos began to crisscross the court. The Jumbotron showed a computer-generated monster of a bobcat tromping around Charlotte before mascot Rufus Lynx came onto the court riding a motorcycle as pyrotechnics flashed into the air.

Rufus hyped up the crowd as the Bobcats were introduced, with hometown hero Steve Smith and rookie Emeka Okafor garnering the loudest cheers.

Seeing Charlotte's starters — Okafor, Gerald Wallace, Jason Kapono, Brevin Knight and Primoz Brezec — made me wince. World beaters, they're not.

Smith and owner Bob Johnson then gave short speeches thanking the fans.

"The NBA has come back to Charlotte," Johnson announced. "And we'll never leave."

Yeah, as long as he doesn't alienate his fans to the point that they stop coming to games.

Focus shifted to center court as Charlotte lost its first tip-off.

However, the Bobcats quickly got the ball back, and Brezec dropped in a layup for the first bucket (and lead) in team history.

To spare you the gory details of a painful game, here's the Cliffs Notes version:

• During a timeout, the Bobcats' human emcee appeared, wearing an orange-and-Bobcats-Blue flat-brim pinwheel baseball cap and saying the game is “off the hook.” This is what happens when the team owner runs BET.

The Jumbotron showed the "Bojangles Chicken Coop" — a group of fans sitting placidly, unaware they were on camera — for 30 seconds during a timeout with no evident connection to Bojangles.

Colin then quipped, "This is going to be the first franchise to fold after one game."

• Eddie House entered the game for Charlotte and shot as soon as he touched the ball, establishing an M.O. for the rest of the night.

I tracked his touches and noted the following: House didn't dribble the ball until he stole the ball in the third quarter and raced upcourt on the fast break and his first pass came with 7 minutes 37 seconds left in the fourth quarter.

That's right — He didn't pass the ball until 40:23 had elapsed in the game. House is known around the league as a scorer. Now we know why.

• The first quarter play is so bad it causes Zach to say that watching this is like seeing the Nike Elite take on the EA Sports All-Stars — a bunch of former college stars who shouldn't be in the NBA.

• With Charlotte up 23-22 at the end of the first, the UNC fourth-quarter football music comes over the PA as a sound meter graphic appears. The graphic is turned off when it provokes no noise. Good crowd tonight.

• Ric Flair's in the house. WOOOOO!

• The dance team's first appearance comes in skimpy, shiny silver outfits. It's like a Nelly video minus the credit card swiping.

• During a timeout, Rufus Lynx comes out to 80s music attempting to get a suit in the front row to dance. He quickly gives up with one guy and goes to the far end of the court to find another.

The new suit reluctantly lets Rufus remove his jacket and awkwardly bounces to the beat. Then Rufus starts doing a dance rountine, which the suit painfully imitates. Then all of a sudden, the guy's in sync with the mascot and inexplicably rips his shirt off like Hulk Hogan.

He began posing topless like a member of the U.S. track team while a stunned crowd mentally agreed to make a collective visit to the post-traumatic stress unit.

• When the absolutely massive Jahidi White entered the game, I immediately claimed him for the first pick on my all-Back-alley Brawl team. Zach agreed, describing White as "300 pounds of 'Ug.'"

• They sure did clean the arena for game number one — I accidentally glanced at a spotlight reflection on the floor and feel like I stared into the sun.

• Gerald Wallace is a walking turnover.

• The halftime show was bizarre. It featured a group called Anti-Gravity that featured African tribal drumming, pulsating fabrics, pogo-sticking acrobats and scantlily-clad women suspended high above the court by sheets they thrashed around in. We couldn't decide if we were uncomfortable or thrilled. I think we settled on baffled.

• Colin notes that the Charlotte PA announcer rolls over player names like they have Torah trope.

• A white guy won the "Shake it for Your Shoes" dance contest. Sitting courtside, Bob Johnson promptly imploded.

• Okafor used an up-and-under move to get free for a thunderous one-handed dunk, likely the game's best highlight.

That kid's the truth - he put up 19 points and 10 rebounds by playing in the flow of the game. The "Okafor in '04" campaign is officially under way.

• The ubiquitous “Kiss Cam” promotion features the Sixpence None the Richer song, “Kiss Me.” If it were possible, Johnson would have imploded again.

However, it did provide high comedy when it focused on two referees. One ref, staring away from the camera, was taken by surprise when the other ref violently snogged him from behind. After being released, the ref threw his arms up and shrugged. A good sport, that guy.

• There's funny and then there's the look on Jason Kapono's face as he goes up for an alley-oop pass and only realizes he's white when he's already in the air. A full-extension stretch was the only thing that stopped the ball from going out of bounds.

• Mark wondered where Brezec was during crunch time.

"Wheezing on the sidelines," Phil answered. "He's never played more than five minutes in his life."

• With the game tied at 85 late in the fourth, the Wizards scored six straight points to open a lead they wouldn't relinquish on the way to a 103-96 victory.

When the game finally ended, I was exhausted. I had witnessed the worst basketball game I'd ever seen live and faced three hours in Colin's cramped car.

But I got to see the first game in Bobcats history. I'm one of only 23,319 people who can claim that.

The NBA. It's faaan-tastic.